Telebrands Aluma Wallet - Review

by John Stamos

Hi there! First, a warning: If you're not in the mood for a negative review, please stop reading now. This review may depress you as it does me.

However, if you'd like to know what my impressions of the "Aluma Wallet" Aluminum Wallet is, you're welcome to read on.

Now, most products branded "AS SEEN ON TV" is absolute rubbish, unfit for the purpose for which they are being sold. They sell simply because the advertisements and commercials are long, psychological experiments and pretend like the products are good, when in fact it's all just pretend, in order to sell the product for about 1,000 times it is actually worth.

Today, such a product is the "Aluma Wallet" Aluminum Wallet. I stay away from "As Seen On TV" products, but I was needing a wallet that can hold all my cards and cash, and I thought "What could go wrong? It's a wallet, this is a wallet, and it has enough divisions to keep my cards".

Oh, how naive of me. A typical dumb consumer.

First, let's review the packaging.

- It says "Incredible! Aluminum Wallet".

The false advertising has started, for there's nothing "Incredible!" about it. It's just a small little card case. It doesn't do magic.

- "ID Theft Protection"

Ummmmm....... if somebody steals your wallet, there's no such thing as ID Theft Protection that this wallet will deliver. (Only later I noticed they meant something vague in the line of RFID theft. I'm assuming they mean somehow somebody can read from a distance what your ID is on your cards in your wallet, if they have the technology, but because this wallet is aluminum, ... whatever. The claim is silly and they could have done without.)

- "Crush Resistant"

Wallets are seldom crushed, for example if I use a leather wallet or fabric wallet I can sit on it and it won't crumble to pieces. To use "crush resistant" as a serious selling point, is ludicrous.

- "U.S. & Foreign Patents Pending"

God forbid you steal their patent of using a card carry case as a wallet.

- "Water resistant"

But not waterproof. Most all wallets are water resistant. Who cares if they get a drop of water on them. No harm done.

- "Easy Open Latch"

It's actually a very difficult latch, especially if you fill it up with cards and cash. Then you'll be lucky if you can get it open at all.

- "Ultra-Slim"

That's not really a selling point. In fact it's so slim, it has too little space and won't be able to hold all the necessities, as I learned when I tried migrating my stuff to it. More on that to follow.

Allright, let's get serious about what this wallet is really like, as I can tell from my experience trying to use it.

1. It doesn't have enough room to take all my cards. If I put them all in there, the wallet won't close. If you force it closed, then it won't open again. I had quite a lot of trouble to pry it open again.

2. It's probably the first wallet I know that has no room for cash, and I'm talking about paper money, not even touching on coins! If you fold bank notes in half and shove them into one of the accordion compartments, it sticks out far too much for the unit to close. And if you fold the notes any more, it will be too thick and the unit won't close anyway.

I'm not quite sure what the idea was making a wallet which has too limited dimensions to fit banknotes into.

3. You better hold it up straight carefully, or the cards will simply fall out. Unlike it usually is with wallets, in which cards sit quite securely until pulled out, with this "Aluma Wallet" the cards are loose and if you're not careful, there they fall like snow. I can see the image of standing in public at the till, bending over your trolley or in some other way not concentrating on your open Aluma Wallet, and boom! There goes your cards all over the counter and the floor and under the trolley of the people behind you in the queue. Yes, embarrassment shall be yours.

I think the problem is that they call it a wallet. They should call it a little card holdster. Like to hold your calling cards. Like if you want to return to the fashion of Victorian times or something.